


You Would Regret It If You Knew

by dirtycrime_boy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtycrime_boy/pseuds/dirtycrime_boy
Summary: Tsukishima is depressed. He's depressed, and he doesn't like to reach out for help, he doesn't want to. Not even to his best friend, Yamaguchi.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	You Would Regret It If You Knew

December 17

…

Tsukishima was jealous. Although he would never admit it out loud, he was jealous. And of Hinata, no less. The thought of being envious of the shrimp was almost laughable to him. Almost. Almost, if it weren’t for the reason. Almost, if he  _ could  _ laugh, if he could somehow manage to bring himself to.

He shook the thoughts away, and brought his attention back to Yamaguchi, who was currently on his bed talking about the latest release of some shonen manga. Once upon a time, the freckled boy was one of the few people who could bring Tsukishima to happiness. It had been a different happiness than he experienced with others. 

However now, nearly nothing brought the blond joy. Of course, when it came to his childhood best friend, he would force a smile or a laugh, because he cared about the boy enough to put on a mask, to shield Yamaguchi from what he was truly feeling.

His and Yamaguchi’s phones both buzzed with notifications. He pulled his out of his back pocket and looked.

Karasuno Group Chat:

Suga: 03:45 PM [hi all! i just wanted to check in on all of you over this lovely winter break, i hope you all have a nice holiday]

Tsukishima scoffed, he was all too familiar with Sugawara’s forced happiness.

Nishinoya: 03:46 PM [just catching up with my grandpa, hopefully we can all meet up soon, go to the temple or whatever you guys are up for!!]

Kei knew that Noya’s energy wasn’t an act, and if it was then the libero should consider leaving volleyball for Hollywood.

Hinata: 03:46 PM [OOH YEAH! I would love to hang out with all of you guys!...even you Tsukishima LOLOL]

Tsukishima cringed, thinking again to what he had realized earlier. When he had first met the shorter, his happiness and energy were severe annoyances to him. Now they were still irritating, almost aggravating, but for a different reason. Any kind of happiness was no longer attainable for Tsukishima Kei, not the little he had before, and certainly not the insane amounts the orange haired boy managed to have stored up in his tiny body.

He silenced his phone, somehow even more bored of the conversation than he was before. Yamaguchi noticed his distaste, and did the same.

The two were silent, Yamaguchi sprawled out on Tsukishima’s bed, and Tsukishima, seated in front of it, legs crossed. They both basked in the company of the other, before Tsukishima felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Quickly jerking away at the sudden physical contact, he turned to face the green haired boy, confused. Yamaguchi’s hand was recoiled as if he had touched a hot stove.

Tsukishima felt a pang of guilt at the look on his best friend's face. “I’m sorry,” he breathed out. Yamaguchi quickly shook his head, lowering his hand into his lap. He fiddled with his fingers.

“I just…” Yamaguchi muttered, almost too quiet to hear, “I just wanted to make sure that everything was  _ okay. _ ” 

Tsukishima stared, reluctantly relaxing his shoulders. He leaned towards the shorter boy, curious as to what else he had to add.  _ I was sure that I was hiding it well,  _ he thought, scolding himself,  _ I didn’t mean to burden him with worry. _

Yamaguchi breathed before continuing, hesitantly reaching his arm out to touch Tsukishima’s. It took everything in the blond’s power to not shy away from his friend’s touch. “You can...tell me anything, Tsukki.” He looked into his eyes and continued, “I  _ want  _ you to tell me everything, I  _ want  _ to be able to help you.” He looked back down into his lap, before shakily laughing, “Don’t think that I’m stupid enough to believe that nothing is wrong.” When he looked back up into his friend’s eyes, Tsukishima was shocked to see tears building up in the corners of them. 

“Do you hold me in such low regard that you feel you can’t come to me with how you’re truly feeling?”

Tsukishima’s heart dropped.  _ No no no no no,  _ he thought frantically. Voicing the rest of his panicked thoughts out loud, he comforted the other boy, who had openly started crying. “No, Yamaguchi, you’ve got it all wrong,” he grabbed his friend’s shoulders, and locked eyes with him. “I hold you so highly in my heart and in my mind, I can only hope that you do the same for me. I didn’t want that image of me tarnished because of feelings that  _ I  _ can’t come to terms with.”

He realized his face was damp, when had he started crying? Yamaguchi stared at his friend in shock, the boy’s tears momentarily stopped falling, before his face broke down again, and he felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace.

They stayed silently embracing each other for a few breaths.

“You know,” Yamaguchi muttered into his friend’s shoulder, “I had done this with the intention of comforting you.” The two laughed. Yamaguchi continued, voice wavering, “I want to be there for you, and I don’t want you to hurt, and I want you to smile and laugh, and knowing that I can’t do all that right now is  _ hurting me _ .” Tsukishima felt his shoulder get damp, “And since I can’t do all that right away, the most I can do is always be there for you. More than anything, I want you to know that I’m always here for you.”

The blond nodded, his friend’s words should’ve been comforting, instead, his mind kept replaying one part of Yamaguchi’s heartwarming speech, ‘ _ and knowing that I can’t do all that right now is hurting me.’  _

_ I’m hurting Yamaguchi,  _ Tsukishima thought as he continued embracing the boy.

…

Night had fallen, and the two friends had fallen asleep to each other’s company. At least, one of them had. The other, the taller of the two, did not feel tired, for his head was racing with thoughts.

_ You can’t even pretend to be happy for the sake of others, for the sake of Yamaguchi, how pathetic. How selfish. Even Hinata is better than that. He’s happy, he makes others happy, he doesn’t make the people around him cry because of pity. Yamaguchi cried today because of you. It’s all your fault because you can’t deal with sadness. Everyone gets sad, you’re not special.  _ The thoughts poisoned Tsukishima’s mind.

He quietly stood up, pulling on his shoes. As he turned to leave, he paused, before heading towards the bed and laying a soft hand on the sleeping boy’s forehead. “Goodbye, Yamaguchi,” he whispered, before slipping out.

He checked the time on his phone as he left his house, it was 01:37 AM, most of his teammates should be asleep by now. They wouldn’t see his texts until morning.  _ Perfect _ , Tsukishima thought. He made his way over to an overpass, a bridge. As he reached one, he leaned over the barrier that separated the street and the long drop. It overlooked a river. He made a noise of satisfaction before pulling out his phone.

Karasuno Group Chat:

Tsukishima: 01:42 AM [thank you all for everything...even you hinata]

Tsukishima: 01:42 AM [and especially you yamaguchi]

That was all he could bring himself to type.

…

Karasuno Group Chat:

Daichi: 07:23 AM [Tsukishima, is everything okay?]

Tanaka: 07:24 AM [who the hell is texting at 7:30 in the morning over break???]

Tanaka: 07:25 AM [oh shit]

Yamaguchi: 07:26 AM [does anyone know where tsukishima is? i woke up and he was gone]

Yamaguchi: 07:26 AM [im really scared]

Yamaguchi: 07:27 AM [he’s not picking up any of my calls either]

Suga: 07:27 AM [did any of you talk to tsukishima before he left?]

Yamaguchi: 07:27 AM [he actually...broke down. i noticed that for the past few weeks he had not been himself, and now…]

Yamaguchi: 07:27 AM [im going to look for him]

Hinata: 07:28 AM [i’ll look too]

Ennoshita: 07:28 AM [i’ll join]

Nishinoya: 07:29 AM [we all will]

…

December 27

After the body of the former middle blocker was fully laid into the ground, and dirt had begun to cover him, the reality of the situation had finally hit Yamaguchi Tadashi. The freckled boy collapsed. His haunting sobs were louder than the machine pouring the dirt to cover his now deceased best friend. Akiteru Kei leaned down, planting a reassuring hand onto his back, however he too had tears streaming down his face. The young man trembled.

Soon, sobs echoed throughout the cemetery. The sobs of his mother, his brother, his former teammates, and his childhood best friend.

If Tsukishima Kei had known and seen the pain he inflicted on everyone, he wouldn’t have leapt off that bridge. If he had heard the cries and pleas of his best friend, begging him to come back, begging for this nightmare to end, he wouldn’t have chosen to willingly end his life.

Alas, Tsukishima Kei was not coming back, as had been made painstakingly and abundantly clear to those who surrounded his casket, his corpse, and his soon to be resting place.

**Author's Note:**

> You are not alone.


End file.
